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I hate being stuck in this ugly shade of gray, where of course everything is unclear and has always been since I started doubting whether or not time has changed things.
time+distance= me not being able to talk to you like I used to be able to x me thinking I don’t know you anymore x me thinking you don’t care x i just want a clear sign x i’m just dying to talk to you
forever lost in these multiple shades of gray.
"For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."
Rosemonde Gerard (via corona-borealis)
(via good-bye-blue-mondays)
Promising promises
This day has been absolutely exhausting and it’s not even close to being over. Going to hot yoga soon and I haven’t been able to go to normal yoga because I’ve been at school, so scared. So much to do and all I want to do is sleep. Guess its good that I am taking the time to relax for a half hour now before I fall apart at the end of the day.
(by malpractice)
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
everything I say is completely wreckless. Nothing I say or think makes sense anymore and the worst part is I feel absolutely horrible about everything, whether it is my fault or not. I never realized how fucked up things were and I just don’t want to feel like this. It keeps fading in and out of my head and I just keep rereading it over and over again. I think to myself that this isn’t healthy. I think to myself that things shouldn’t be like this. I try to forget about it because I am hoping that in a week or so it’s not going to matter anymore. It’s sad because this story isn’t going to have a happy ending. I can see the ropes behind this story starting to fray and all the problems that are attached to it.
I don’t feel like I am falling apart and I can’t tell if I’m getting stronger. I over analyze things too much and the sad part is that I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture and I missed a huge step. I was just so caught up within my own thoughts that I didn’t take the time to take my own advice. And these days I am left thinking.. well I really just don’t know anymore. But what I read last night is what hurt the most and as I slowly loose respect for myself, it slowly sinks in it hurts even more. Because this is what I have been working towards for so long, to grow into a better person, so I can love who I am and make other people happy. I know that one thing that one person says should not mean that much, but after all this time, and all the choices that I have made. I just read those words, and how I reacted, and the series of events that happened after. I hate myself just as much as you.
As much as I over think things and painfully complain about how crappy my life is (quite often on here) I know that I will be able to push it off and just keep going. From all the shit things that have happened to me, I can just push it off and just consider it as another part of my journey. But this time, this has topped my list of things that really hurt me as a person. The sad part is, well there was only one thing before this.. but now there are two and yours was even worse than the last.
If I were to die one day, I wouldn’t want you to keep my stuff and spend time dwelling on how I’m not here anymore. I wouldn’t want you to think about how life isn’t fair and that life is just a dumb game that we’ve all started that is set to fail. I would just want you to know that it’s okay. And I know I sound completely ridiculous because dying is one of my worst fears but we just have to accept the things that we have no control over. So sell my things, and paint over my room, and give away every little bit that was apart of me. That way I can keep living within those things and travel to different places, some may not be very far, it could be as far as someone’s bookshelf, or it could be as far as across the country.
It’s scary how fast you feel like you can move on.
It’s scary that I’ve waited for so long and now it was kind of all for nothing.
It’s scary that you might not be able to tell people that you love them ever again, or even worse, have the chance to tell them anything at all.
